Hi,

It's been a very challenging week for me. There's so much I want to write but there's also so much that I can't publish here. There are decisions to be made and I can't seem to make any at the moment. There have been so many ups and downs that it has made a quiet day without any thinking, responsibility and company very precious to me. I know this entry will not make sense because there is no explanation to why I feel the way I do, but the thing is, I can't explain. If you care about me, just root for me in your heart, that everything will be fine in the end. Hopefully, when the time comes, I would have a better post with a crystal clear explanation for everyone to know. But till then, wish me luck.

Chicago, thus far

Hello,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Life has been very busy and hectic. But then again, when is it ever not busy and hectic, right? Summer is a great time to be in Chicago. There are loads to do and I've made some really good friends here so far. I've just spent my entire weekend out and just having fun. But now that I'm back home, suddenly, I'm getting pangs of homesickness.

I hate being so far from home. I hate being away from people that I care about and that cares about me. I hate having to survive on my own. I hate having to do everything for myself.

I just want everything to be alright from now onwards.

I'm not depressed or unhappy now. I just wish I was home. It's not about the food, weather or places. It's because it will always be my home and it will always be my special place in this whole wide world. Always.

:(

Today wasn't a happy day. So while I was walking home, I flipped open my phone to call someone to talk to. And then I got disappointed. Because I just realised that there's no one I could call. And now that I'm home and finished with my chores, I think I'm slumped into depression again.

Edit: I wrote that on Tuesday. I think I was really unhappy that day. Though now, if you asked me why, I can't put my finger on it. Am I happy today? Not really, no. But I'm not unhappy. Life is turning into one big routine now. I don't like it but I think I need it for now. At least till I'm done with my exams. Or when I give up with them. Aih. Dunno la. I'm just in the mood for ranting again today. I think my blog is one big rant fest. But then it's better than bitching about other people right? At least I rant about my own stuff.

Trip #1 - Chicago

I had a bunch of friends come over to Chicago for the weekend. I think it was our first gathering since...too long ago. But fear not, cause there will be lots more! We (at least I am) already planning the next one. Everyone agreed that it was incredible fun and wonderful. Friends came with their friends and at one point, there were 11 people sleeping in my tiny apartment. Almost all floor space was taken up, but it was all good. I love to have people (that I like) visit me, so come come.

I can post up pictures, but the person who had a camera with him has not sent them to me (hint hint). So none as yet.

I have never imagined that I would make such good friends when I flew over to this country nearly 3 years ago. But I did. And I'm very happy and glad that they are now part of my life. A bunch of us keep in very close contact (ie work email everyday) and I think it helps keep me going. It's a support system that I'm very fortunate to have. I do hope we can stay this way as long as possible and not let anything get in the way. You know who you are, so I don't think I need to say more.

Ok, I will post more about the trip later la.

I am so not domestic....and am not made to be

I have a long post coming. I can feel it. It's related to the topic. But not today. Today, it ends here :p

Man U yay!

Ok, this post has nothing to do with Man U or football. I just had to harp it.

I'm listening to BassAgents while typing this post. So hard to sit quietly and blog. I usually don't like hard dance like this, but this I actually quite likey. Damn noisy, hope my neighbours don't mind. Ok, this can be ignored too cause it has nothing to do with this post actually.

What is this post about? I have no idea yet. I just felt like I needed to write something. To keep those 6 ppl, in Msia, Uk and somewhere in Europe updated. Though I have a feeling not all 6 reads, but some will read and tell the others, so ok la. Hopefully.

*Edit*
So initially I had nothing to write about but now I do. SO, after taking a nice shower and deciding I should have watermelon followed by an awesome Baileys milkshake, I walk into the kitchen and grabbed the box of watermelon. I was walking out, busy stabbing at one of the pieces when the opened box hit the wardrobe door and the whole thing fell. 5 pieces of watermelon went flying on my cream colored carpet. I wanted to cry. It looked like someone had been stabbed a few gazillion times and left to die in my apartment. And I brilliantly tried to clean it by spraying loads of Fantastik on it while pouring water and frantically putting Bounty all over the stains. I hope it works. As of now, it's still wet so I can't tell. Please let it be normal again *prays*.

Trust me to give you stupid acts like this. Argh.

June, please come.

Haven't been updating much at all lately. But now I am, so la la la.

Anyway, I've recently decided that I need a mp3 player. Badly. Cause my comp at work doesn't have the soundcard driver installed due to a bunch of reasons. So it gets boring plus it will help block out sounds when I'm doing my FAP modules (non-actsci, it's exam related). So, I went researching online and fell in love with the iRiver Clix2. One bad thing is that the 8gb version will only be released in June. I need it now!!! What will I do till June?? I'm not too keen on buying an Ipod, but if I'm desperate, should I? But I like the iRiver aloooot. AAAHHH. Dilemma.

On other notes, I wanna talk about my apartment. Ok, just the location for now. Right across of the building is......the Playboy headquarters! Yes, it is. I have been keeping a lookout for their models but no luck so far. Hehe...bet more of you wanna come visit me now huh. And right beside, blocking 50% of my beautiful lakeview is a hotel. I have full view of a lot of the rooms. One night, I was standing at the window and looking across, I was curious if I can see any hanky panky going on. But there was none. Till now, I haven't seen anyone that has forgotten to pull the blinds down. Hehe. Oh well. I do not spy or stalk ok. And down the street, there's a hospital really nearby. Just in case of an emergency, it'll be really close.

I was told that the pool in my building overlooks the lake. One day, I shall check it out. Okie, enough for now. Ta!

The world is full of hope

Last night, I went out for dinner with some friends. We ate some Chinese food in well, Chinatown, but there were so much talking going around that I didn't really enjoy the food cause everyone was engrossed in one conversation after another. They were a fun bunch. So after that, we went to play pool at a place nearby.

At the pool place, there was a boy who was working at the counter, bartending I suppose and just looking after the cash till. And there was a girl there also, just hanging around and playing with her phone. We were playing doubles so I had time to sit and look around alot and I was watching the couple for a while. They were so sweet. I think this can be accounted to the Canto songs that was playing in the back ground and the setting of the place. They were just running into each others arms, hugging, and snuggling. Then at one point in time, she jumped onto his back for a piggy back ride. It was as if I was watching a movie, and this was a flashback of the main character's first/puppy/young love. I kept telling everyone that they're so sweet, and cute. What was the comeback? "You jealous ar?" Haha, yah actually a little. I wish I was that young again, when the world was so much simpler. One of my friends there said something which I agreed was so true. *This is translated from Cantonese, and it sounds much better in its original form*
-When we are young, we are not afraid of loving and hating-
And as we grow older, we get hurt and we hurt others in the process. Then it is as if we had learnt earlier on how it will hurt if we burnt our hands, we try to keep ourselves safe and out of harm. We are then no longer the young naive girl/boy that is full of hope anymore. We are not longer not afraid.
But what I saw last night, I thought it was very pure and sweet. Yeah, in a smoky pool place.

back online!

Hi,

I've not been posting because I didn't have internet in my apartment for the past week. I think I had some withdrawal syndromes, but nothing major since I could still surf at work. Which I actually try to do minimally. So if I don't reply msgs at work, its not cause I don't like you, its cause I just try not to. Or maybe I really don't like you. Oh well.

Anyway, my apartment is still sort of bare, but its getting better. Was suppose to get a coffee table this weekend, but I'm just too lazy today, so maybe next week. I gotta get out and take a walk cause its so pretty outside. Very sunny and finally warm. I can't wait for actual spring weather! La la la. Anyhoo, so, yeah. I don't have much to say yet, but soon, I may come up with a post so long that your eyes glaze over just looking at it. But not now. Now, its gonna be a short one which ends here. Or here.

No, here.

If I am god, then

I want things to get better now. Right now!

What I have done in Chicago thus far

Nothing.

Besides look for an apartment, I've spent most of my time in the hotel. One huge reason is due to the fact that I think its cold outside. So far, I've ventured out only to get food, look for an apartment, and meet up with a friend. Yeap, thats it. For three days. And I spent a lot of moolah online yesterday to make my apartment decent. I kept reminding myself to be thrifty and what not, but I just kept buying more and more. I love to be comfortable and cosy in my own place and thus a barebones apartment will just not cut it for me. But whats been deterring me from spending a fortune is that I don't actually have a fortune. Duh. Oh well.

On to other territories, I think that between last year and this year, I know a lot of people (myself included) who had hit some bad turf. Its probably due to our life changes, and I guess it is part of growing up. More often than not, we will all dwell in it and at that moment, it seems like its not worth it to be doing what we've been doing all this while. I can't say for sure that we will all survive every depressing moment and come out on the very top the next second, like how you see in movies. What I can say is that when things get rough, you can count on your friends to be there for you. They may not be able to pull you up, but sometimes, just knowing that you have their support can be good enough. I know that I'm not the best listener nor do I have a lot of time to spare, but I do sincerely want my friends to know that when it matters, they can count on me. Ok, sappy and unrelated, I know. I just had to say it.

So, anyway, I need to shower. Bye.

I wish I can fly first-class only

I wrote this while I was dying of fatigue and boredom at JKF:

Here I am, at 5:30 am in JFK airport. There is still no internet here and I am typing this into WordPad first before uploading it to blogger later. By the time I reach Chicago, it should be 8:53 am local time there. That means it would have been 37 hours later from when I left KLIA. And by the time I reach my hotel, I would be dead, some 40 hours later. But die I could not, because I have a 1 pm appointment scheduled with apartment hunters to go scavenge for my future apartment. When will this long torturous journey end damnit??

I flew on MAS from KL to Heathrow and it was a fully booked flight. Which means, no free upgrades and being sandwiched for 13 hours. I've never bee upgraded for free (or with charge) before in my life. I've heard of it many times, but me, I have no such luck. So I figured maybe I would have it better with Virgin en route to JFK. Somehow, people like to go where I'm going, when I'm going. So, that’s another packed flight. The seats on V are much smaller compared to MAS (much like NWA or UA), and it’s a little cramped although it’s a 2-4-2 seating compared to the 3-5-3 of MAS. Also, the flight attendants are ALWAYS rushing on V and they tend to bump into me while I was desperately nodding off. The only upside is that V has a huge personal screen and it has a humongous library of movies.

When I reached JFK, I was really ready to stretch and enjoy some form of communication (i.e. my phone and msn!) besides with flight attendants and the person beside me. While on MAS, an Aussie dude was making conversation with me but it took so much effort as I was tired and trying to finish the first season of Grey's Anatomy (which I did), so eventually he gave up. So anyway, in JFK I thought I should get to whichever terminal that I would be flying from and stay there. *Long sentences and incoherence ahead*. That thought got me to walk really far, go on the AirTrain, get off the AirTrain, go up the elevator, then walk across the street, got some complicated instructions from a disgruntled guard, went down the elevator, walked around corner (this is outside in the cold, I only had a sweatshirt, sweatpants and slippers on), up the ramp, across the street, up a ramp again, crossed yet another street, only to be told to go back across the street, walk straight ahead and turn left. En route, my luggage, which weighs more than I do, fell 10 million times, the tiny little trolley got stuck 5 million times and the entire thing tipped over 2 million times. My hands were practically numb, toes were blue and I probably looked like some horror movie "thing". And this is not where the torture ends. Read on.

So this Terminal 3. If you are ever in JFK and is waiting for 10 hours in the wee hours of the morning and your flight should be in Terminal 3, DO NOT GO THERE TILL YOU ARE READY TO CHECK IN. There is practically nothing there but a row of chairs. No wireless internet, no cafe, no shops, no nothing. Nada. It took some effort to find the restroom and I had to go downstairs to salvage some food from the vending machine to not starve to death. I think I spent a good 3 hours on the phone, before venturing to find the restroom. When I was freshening up (yeah, still as fresh a stale fish after), some nice Chinese lady came in and tried to talk to me about some religion? Cult? I don't know. I didn't understand her that well with her and I doubt she understood me well too. After I was done, I tried to go downstairs to where I got a piece of pathetic bun initially to get some water from the water fountain or the vending machines. They closed off the area!!! Those bastards won't let me in and there was no fountain or vending machine upstairs. So I sat dehydrated for many many hours until a nice guy, who was polishing the floor heard me complaining over the phone (I also asked him earlier if there were any fountains on the floor) that I was dying of thirst, brought me over a whole bottle of water! I am forever indebted, but I did have my earlier doubts about him poisoning me and stealing my luggage. I'm still alive, so this makes me feel guilty for doubting a kind act.

Now, its 5:50 am, I have finally checked-in, got a piece of sandwich and a hot chocolate from Starbucks. My first meal in 10 hours. I thought when I have checked-in I would have wireless access. I was/am wrong. I'm still typing from WordPad. Someone kill me now. And people wondered why I didn't want to leave. Would you like to go through this torture? Are you masochistic? Huh? I hope it gets better from here.

Ps - I think this is the longest entry I've ever typed. And its really cold here. Why??!!!!!!!!!!!!1111one

I thought I was going to edit it but now I'm lazy.

Why must it be so cold in April?

Remember how I was complaining about not having spring clothes when I leave for the US? Well, apparently I don't really need spring clothes. Its as cold as winter. Bah. All I need are my winter clothing and now I'm hoping that my VERY DEAR and NICE friend in DSM will send my boxes to me soon cause I may freeze without my sweaters. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a cool April will continue on to a cool summer so that there will be no blistering hot heat wave going around. Pray, I say. Pray with me guys.

Oh well, other news. I've been trying to pack and if any of you know me, you'll know that I hate packing. I hate it with passion. I never thought I would (fill with word that means hate but stronger) packing so much before I moved to the US. And then all hell broke loose the first time I had to move out of the dorms. I think between rushing to hand in that damn last minute assignment and packing, I wanted to kill myself. I was living on the fourth floor which is actually the fifth level of the building, so there was a high chance of dying. But I figured it wasn't a high enough chance. So, I had all of a couple of hours of sleep to be able to move out of the damn place. Argh, and so far, I've had to do massive (in my books they are massive) move outs 3 times already. Hated every single one of them. Yeap. I am usually more excited with move-ins but I dunno. We'll see how my latest move in go. But the point of the story is that I hate packing.

No more rantings, for now

Ok, I will stop complaining now. I just don't feel like it today. Haha, but that doesn't mean I won't rant tomorrow!

Anyhoo, there is something about Asian horror movies that scare the crap out of me. Before I had to stay in dorms or stay alone, I loved them. I wouldn't even think twice before watching any. But now, I'm a pussy. Yes. Those who watched "Shutter" with me can attest to that. Yet I still always want to watch it, but I mostly decide not to nowadays. Hehe. The nearest to a true horror that I've watched recently was "Unholy Matrimony". Mind you, the movie itself isn't that creepy at all. It was the whole scenario. We went to watch the movie at 12 pm on a weekday, so needless to say, the cinema was quite empty. So, before we went in, I went to the washroom. It was dark and empty, sooo creepy. And there were 4 stalls, in which 3 doors I couldn't open, but there was no one in there! So I had to use the only one I could get into, and I think I came out in less than a minute of being in the washroom. I kept thinking what if something rolled over from the next stall or if I saw feet or if there was something hovering above my head! Ok, so nothing happened. But it was still scary. And then when we went in, there was only one other guy in there, sitting at the very end, in white. So we sat down, in the middle of the cinema and also of the row to watch. And guess what, since its nearly "Ching Ming", there are quite a number of horror movie previews. One Thai flick preview was really scary with haunted images overload. So as you can see, right before the movie, I was already on the edge of my seat. And when the movie started, the overall situation just made the movie felt more creepy than it was. Ok enough with the creepy and scary words that I keep using. But yeah, now that I will soon be staying on my own, I don't think I'm gonna be watching too many horror flicks anytime soon. Oh well.

More rantings

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing on my mind is what else do I have to do today? This is then followed by the counting of how many days do I have left. And a few days ago, I have been calling MAS to reschedule my flight, but its all fully booked. All the way to April 26th. All I wanted was a couple more days, but nope, no avail seats maam. And after the initial dread, then comes the headache of the logistic issues when I get to Chicago. It never ends. To top it off, its not even noon yet.
Now till Sunday, my days will be short and my nights even shorter. I hate wasting time not doing what I really want to do. I don't know how it may feel like once I get to Chicago, but I'm hoping that it won't go downhill. I think already know how the sequence of my emotional rollercoaster would be once I get there. It starts off depressing when I initially arrive, and then when I get busy trying to settle down, I would have my mind off things and that would make it fine, for a while. And then one night after some time when I have time to ponder on things, then it won't be so pretty again. Sigh. So the key is to keep myself occupied until I come home again. At least thats what the best way I know off. Any better suggestions?

Paint taste bitter apparently

Yesterday, I accomplished one more item on my list of to-do's. I played paintball! It was fun but painful. I have a bruise the size of a golfball on my right thigh now and it still hurts when I touch it. Though I must say I came home relatively paint-less cause the pellet that hit my thigh did not break, and I got one head shot (this sucks, cause one minute you're all fine and dandy, and the next all you see is orange paint). I would definitely do this again, but maybe by the time I play again, I hope that there are cheaper and lighter markers for the weak, like me. After the paintball session though, I have a better understanding of how in action films, the hero always escapes unhurt with so many people shooting at her/him. It is cause those extras (keh leh feh) probably shoot like me, and thus, the hero could easily dodge the bullets. I mean, the more they aim, the more likely it is to miss, so that's why. Yala, I know this is crap. But my blog, I suka.

Mr. Bean = Torture

I don't think watching a movie have ever been this torturous. Ever. I mean, I've sat through some pretty bad movie before. But never was it as bad as Mr. Bean - The Holiday. Not being an avid fan of Mr. Bean, I was forced (literally) to watch it, but I never did I expect it to be that unpleasant of an experience. Though I must say, a lot of people found it hilarious, especially this 3 people that was sitting next to me. They started laughing even before most of the supposed funny parts. I guess some people just love his brand of slapstick humor. I hate slapstick. Yeap. And this post does not do any justice for my suffering last night. But, I hope you get the idea.

There is no title

There is so much that I want to say, so much that I want to do. But I can't. I am not being cliche.

Is it possible to miss someone who is standing right in front of you?

No, I don't.

I don't want to be the one that has to leave.

I don't want to be the one who spends endless sleepless nights thinking of how it is back home.

I don't want to be the one who dwells on what it would be like if only she had stayed.

I don't want to be the one who is all alone in a city where her best friends are at least a few hundred miles away.

I don't want to be the one who has to be independent all the time.

I don't want to be the one who you expect to act rationally.

I don't want to be the one who thinks with her brain and not her heart.

I don't want to be the one who is always in your thoughts, but rarely in your arms.

I don't want to be the one who would sacrifice her life for puny returns.

I don't want to be the one who you had to let go.

I don't want to be the one who had to let you go.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to stay.

X X X

Its going to be April real soon. Too soon. In fact, it will never be late enough. Its not the fact that I would have to go back to the real world and start working that is bothering me. Its the fact that I have to fly thousands of miles away to be able to that, comfortably. I always thought I'd be at least a little excited to be working and earning more money than I ever had in my life. But until now, all I feel is dread. I dread everything to come, knowing that its away from anything familiar. I don't want to have to go through time and again. Can anyone please come and tell with much hope and faith that they know for sure that things will get better? That it won't go downhill from here. That I will be as happy again. Please?

Back!

Just got back from Singapore. Will post something bout that later as this post, is about my island vacation. I was too lazy to take pictures from the same angle as the website, so had to make do from the places that I was lazing around.

This shot is taken from our room. We upgraded from a standard room to a deluxe room cause this room is bigger, nicer and has a better view.

Another shot of the infinity pool from the room.

The sea. This is during low tide. I think the pictures at the site were taken during high tide.

More infinity pool pictures. Its lovely isn't it?

This is the other pool on the other wing of the resort. Where our initial room was. Its nice too.

The island was nice, though the beach had a lot of rocks and dead coral. It wasnt the white sandy beach that I had expected and when I saw it, I was a tad disappointed. But it was also there that I saw the nicest starry night ever. As you would have known, trying to take pictures of stars using my camera was a failure, so you just have to imagine me sitting on those beach chairs and staring into the sky. It was awesome. The island is not crowded, so it's good for R&R, but not so much for much else. The snorkelling wasn't that great, though I did see Nemo and a shark (it was big!). All in all, it was fun. I want to write more, but I'm in a hurry and my connection is funky. So just in case, this is all I'm writting for now. Tata!